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Rihanna has put some stuff in a box, do you want it?
By CMU Editorial | Published on Wednesday 31 October 2012
Do you have quite a lot of money and a burning desire to get rid of it in ways that will bring you little to no tangible reward? That’s nice. One thing you could do would be to donate some of that money to charity. Another thing would be to purchase the ‘Diamonds Executive Platinum Box’ edition of Rihanna’s new album ‘Unapologetic’.
Many people have questioned what Rihanna is unapologetic about since she announced that title, seemingly it’s that she’s not worried about asking fans to pay £154.50 plus delivery and customs charges for a box of stuff they’ll probably stick under their bed or lose within a week of receiving it. Or maybe I’m wrong, let’s have a look at all the things you get in Rihanna’s magic box:
Item 1: “A Rihanna ‘Unapologetic’ 2GB credit card-style USB flash memory drive with plentiful room for high-definition photos, graphic-intensive documents, videos, spreadsheets, presentations, term papers and music that can be stored and retrieved in a flash”.
Well that’s a couple of quid covered. What next?
Item 2: “A unisex shirt featuring a stunning Michael Muller photo of Rihanna taken during her ‘Unapologetic’ album photo shoots spanning several weeks. Printed on a black 100% soft cotton shirt”.
Or, to cut a long story short, a t-shirt.
Item 3: “Seven art print 12×15 lithographs featuring Michael Muller photography, a Magnus Voll Mathiassen illustration and exclusive never-before released Rihanna ‘Unapologetic’ images, bound together with her iconic handwritten R logo band”.
Some photos.
Item 4: “Three device adhesives featuring Rihanna’s ‘Unapologetic’ cover, logo and image, compatible with iPhone, Blackberry and all other smartphone devices”.
There are some misleading words in this one, mainly ‘device’ and ‘compatible’. Rihanna should have said (because she definitely writes these product descriptions herself) “Some smartphone stickers”.
Item 5: “Seven laptop stickers featuring artwork by Mario Hugo, ‘Unapologetic’ album and ‘Diamonds’ single artwork, and other Rihanna surprises”.
More stickers.
Item 6: “11×17 Rihanna handwritten personal note to her Navy”.
In the picture of all this stuff, the “handwritten personal note to her Navy” is a sheet of paper with some wavy lines on it and Rihanna’s signature at the bottom. Maybe she and her ‘Navy’ have a secret code. Also, as her ‘Navy’ is her entire fanbase, presumably she will be delivering this to all of them, regardless of whether or not they buy this box of stuff. Or maybe those who do buy it will have to devote some time to taking it around to other fans’ houses for them to have a look. The description isn’t clear on this.
Item 7: “A collectible coloured vinyl featuring ‘Diamonds’ remixes”.
When I was two or three years old I apparently had a collection of broken lolly sticks. My point being that anything is collectible. Still, I guess, “a record most of you won’t have the equipment with which to discover that these remixes aren’t actually very good” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.
Item 8: “A Rihanna 3D experience available exclusively in this boxset. Collect this exclusive custom-made white View-Master with silver detail including a collectible vintage reel of never-before-released 3D images depicting Rihanna’s iconic style transformation”.
That’s right, a View-Master. A Rihanna View-Master to be exact. That is a thing they’re putting in this box. An exclusive thing.
Item 9: “A 40 page custom Rihanna notebook with handwritten notes and lyrics”.
A notebook that someone has already used.
Item 10: “‘Unapologetic’ deluxe CD version with a 28 page photo and art booklet featuring Michael Muller and Melissa T Forde photography and a 20 minute DVD featuring never-before-released footage, a first look from Rihanna’s sold out ‘Loud’ tour performance live from London’s O2 Arena”.
Hey! They’re even throwing in a copy of the album! And a DVD that apparently isn’t worth mentioning as a separate item.
Item 11: “Exclusive fan mosaic poster featuring members of Rihanna’s Navy and a breathtaking ‘Unapologetic’ image”.
I’m not really sure what this is, but I reckon it’s probably the first thing in the box that will give most people the inkling that they might have wasted their money. You might say the View-Master, but I reckon there’s a good hour of mild enjoyment to be had from that. And you can’t put a value on that sort of enjoyment. Oh wait, yes you can, it’s £154.50 plus sundry charges.
If you want that sort of enjoyment, you should go and wave your credit card in this direction.
Good luck to you if you do, because you’ll be missing out on the alternative ‘Diamonds Deluxe Edition Box’, which, while it doesn’t feature as many items, is over £100 cheaper and includes “a limited edition genuine, conflict-free diamond bracelet in celebration of ‘Diamonds’ … hand-chosen by Rihanna for her Navy”. An actual diamond bracelet and some other stuff for £50! I’m buying seven, that’s gotta be worth way more than that. I’m gonna be rich!
