If you haven’t had a conversation on the internet at some point in your life about a fictional breakfast cereal then I’m not sure you should be allowed to own a modem. I mean, seriously, what have you been doing with your life?

“Oh but it’s such a pointless thing to do”, I hear you say, like a big idiot. Yeah? Well if it’s so pointless, how do you explain this?

That there is a cereal box mocked up by Kelloggs after Charlatans frontman Tim Burgess told his 21,000 Twitter followers that he’d like a rocky road flavoured cereal called Totes Amazeballs. And because people in the Kelloggs product design department apparently have a lot of time on their hands, they knocked a box together.

Whose conversations are pointless now, huh? Although it does occur to me that when we tweeted that we’d like our office to have a glass floor with sharks swimming under it, not one person offered to come around and install it. Not even Kelloggs.

Anja Plaschg may be primarily known for her sterling musical work as Soap&Skin – having just announced the release of second album ‘Narrow’ under the moniker – but she’s big in the confectionary business, too.

The Austrian singer-songwriter has apparently given her name to a signature chocolate bar combining essences of red wine, white incense and white poppy seeds. Oh, and a sweet ganache heart of pig’s blood. Which taints things somewhat to my mind, but you never know… might be nice.

With ‘Narrow’ due to be released via [PIAS] on 19 Mar, the chocolate bar, which is made in partnership with Austrian chocolatier Zotter, should at some point be stocked online at the Soap&Skin merch store.

Having hinted at it back in November, Gorillaz have at last shared specifics on the musical fruits of their commercial collusion with Converse. It’s a partnership with Andre 3000 and LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy entitled ‘DoYaThing’, and is presented as part of Converse’s running ‘Three Artists. One Song’ collaborations series, which has acts of diverse genres commune on one-off tracks.

As previously reported, Gorillaz’s audiovisual Sound System associates will also appear live at London’s Converse-supported 100 Club on 15 Feb. And lest we forget, Gorillaz have designed a range of four new Converse All Star sneakers, which is essentially the point of this entire venture.

‘DoYaThing’ will be available for free download at www.converse.com as of 23 Feb.

AC/DC are bringing their line of wines to the UK, having launched the brand in Australia last summer. Laithwaites Wine, which has bases in the UK, Australia and Hong Kong, will today launch Hells Bells Sauvignon Blanc 2011 and Back In Black Shiraz 2011.

The Laithwaites press release notes that Iron Maiden, Kiss, The Rolling Stones and Cliff Richard already have their own wine brands, which may or may not be a community you’d want to be part of. The two AC/DC wines will be available here  from later today.

So, is Bey-Z Junior planning her own line in nappies? Maybe, given news that Beyonce and Jay-Z have filed a trademark application in the US to protect their newly born daughter’s name. The trademark application was made last month by Beyonce’s company BGK Trademark Holdings, according to the Washington Post.

Though, before you think America’s pop couple have pushed the merchandise craze too far, it’s possible they were motivated to register the name after two other companies tried to trademark it shortly after Blue Ivy Carter was born. The US trademark registry knocked back those applications noting the name belongs to a “very famous infant”.

David Lynch has one, as does that Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy bloke. I’m referring, of course, to signature coffee blends, as coveted by many an ‘alternative’ famous figure, even LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy. The DFA Records boss, who has been out promoting his dramatic debut as an “aging hipster” in new movie ‘The Comedy’, has revealed during a meeting with press that he is plotting his own line in espresso.

Says Murphy: “I make a lot of coffee. For my birthday, my girlfriend got me a training course with the world champion. That’s what I’m going to do when I get back to London”.

Asked how he planned to prepare for the venture, Murphy said he would “just go to a roaster who lives near me and start tweaking beans and temperatures”.

As for specifics relating to blend and bean-count (if that’s a thing), he wasn’t giving much away. “I can’t talk about that because I’m still in negotiations”, he said. “I love that we’re here and talking about a film, but I’m like, ‘I can’t really talk about the coffee”.

So if this acting lark doesn’t work out, and James still wants a sideline to his music, there’s always a second career as a coffee mogul to consider. And speaking of acting, here’s a clip from ‘The Comedy’:

The Comedy (Clip) from rick alverson on Vimeo.

Several Brit bands (and Hanson) may have launched their own signature beers, but Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy, the main moniker of US troubadour Will Oldham, has found a more nutritious means of merchandising his personal brand and latest LP, ‘Wolfroy Goes To Town’.

The singer-songwriter is stocking Kona Rose Coffee Bonny Billy Blend, an organic coffee he had a hand in creating, on his label Drag City’s official site. In the grand tradition of there always seeming to be a silly description to match these artist-affiliated products, I should mention that the coffee is described as having “a clean body and fresh finish”. Drag City, meanwhile, claim to detect “overtones of chocolate, leather and non-wacky tobaccy” in the brew.

So, that all sounds very nice. The coffee is being sold by the half-pound at a price of $20. Which seems a lot, but let’s face facts, it’s organic and was blended by a Prince. Will it be as nice as Mr Scruff’s tea though? That’s the big question.

Snoop Dogg is launching his own cigar brand. He has teamed up with tobacco distributor Good Times USA to bring an existing tobacco line from the Dominican Republic to the US. Called Executive Branch, the cigars are available as God intended, but with flavoured options also available.

Says Snoop: “Throughout my career I have been lucky enough to travel the world and try all different types of tobacco products. During my travels throughout South America and the Caribbean, I was fortunate to encounter this tobacco company, Executive Branch and was so impressed by their commitment to quality, I knew I had to bring them to the States for all my fans to enjoy”.

He adds: “Throughout 2012, we plan on releasing new styles and flavours, in which I will be working with their team to make sure all products are up to Snoop Dogg standards”.

Duracell announced a new joint venture with Jay-Z at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas yesterday. The rapper will become an investment partner in and act as the new face of its Powermat wireless charging technology.

In a statement, Jay-Z said: “I believe in the future of wireless energy and I believe that Duracell Powermat is the company to bring on the revolution. I’m partnering with Duracell Powermat because they’re providing the solutions for the future”.

Ran Poliakine, CEO of Powermat Technologies, added dubiously: “Jay-Z is power personified. He inspires millions of people all over the world on a daily basis with his music and his story. There is no better face or voice that can move people to adopt a new paradigm in power delivery”.

In other news, Jay-Z has released a new track to celebrate the birth of his daughter Blue Ivy Carter, which as well as announcing his pride and being a father reveals that his wife Beyonce previously suffered a miscarriage and features guest vocals (ie some crying) by the baby herself:

Tinie Tempah is the latest in a long line of rappers to launch a fashion label, though he’d like you all to know he’s not just the latest in a long line of rappers to launch a fashion label. That is to say, he doesn’t want us all to think he’s living the jack-of-all-trades cliché of a cash-in rapper, adding that we’ll be buying Tinie Tempah clothing not because it’s Tinie Tempah clothing, but because he’ll be flogging some very fine shirts.

The rapper told Q: “I really want to stay away from that whole hip hop cliché – ‘He’s a rapper turned fashion designer turned actor turned property developer’. I want people to walk into a shop and not immediately think, ‘Tinie Tempah’, but think, ‘That’s a nice shirt’ or ‘That’s a nice tee’… Basically I’ve tried to make it into a standalone brand, like Folk, Joe Casely-Hayford or House Of Billiam. There’s a lot of creative designers in the UK – we should support more”.

Despite confirming plans for a clothing range, Tinie also revealed he has been working out so he himself can wear fewer clothes when performing. Continues Tempah: “There were occasions during the festivals last year when I wanted to take off my shirt, but the time wasn’t right. I’ve been going to the gym and learning to box. By summer I want to be in tip-top shape”.

Justin Bieber has appeared in a new promotional video for his perfume brand Someday. In it, he lounges in a leather chair like a junior Bond villain, and rails a bit about made-up seasonal affliction ‘LHS’, or ‘Lame Holiday Swag’. Or as we might say, ‘Rubbish Christmas Presents’.

Addressing his message – as in his ‘Dear Dad’ missive – to fathers of his teengirl fans, Bieber claims: “Lame Holiday Swag can seriously affect your daughter this year. Symptoms can include a lame face, dry mouth, and hysteria caused from uncool swag. But there is hope, it’s called Someday”.

Since Justin seems to be exhibiting at least two of those symptoms in the LHS promo, I recommend he cure himself by buying up every bottle of Someday, thus also putting a stop to this dad-bothering once and for all. Perhaps he could fill his swimming pool with the perfume, and dive right in. He can swim, right?

Anyway, here’s the clip in question:

Any dads of Justin Bieber fans out there? Mainly of the teenage girl variety. Well, Bieber has a message for you. You really ought to buy your daughter some of Bieber’s overpriced perfume this Christmas, because that’ll ensure she remains besotted with Justin, rather than rejecting terrible pop music and shagging the boy next door instead.

I’m paraphrasing slightly, but not much. The Bieber has posted a new video on the net to flog his fragrance brand Someday and in it he addresses his fans’ fathers, saying “I’m a great distraction. The next time you hear her scream my name, relax. It’s better than hearing her scream ‘Joey’ who lives next door. Am I right?”

Those Beliebers not otherwise occupied with Joey next door can also upload their own photo so that it appears in the frame on the table next to their idol in the video. Though given recent allegations about Bieber’s backstage liaison with a certain fan, I suspect most fathers would rather not think that the teen star has actually selected their daughter for special attention, however ludicrous those allegations may be. I mean, there’s distractions and there’s distractions. Am I right?

Dads can see the video below. Non-dads are presumably not welcome.

Various stars of the music industry are to appear on a range of US postage stamps featuring “vegetarian icons” selected by animal rights group PETA and due to go on sale later this month.

In a statement, PETA said that the line of stamps “honours some of the world’s most dynamic people from throughout history who went vegetarian out of concern for animals, their health, or the environment”. Which is a kick in the teeth for all those people who went vegetarian just because they find animals creepy.

Music people included are Paul McCartney, Morrissey, Def Jam co-founder Russell Simmons, Chrissie Hynde, Leona Lewis, Joan Jett and Bryan Adams. Oh, and Ellen DeGeneres, who is sort of a music person. Sometimes. A bit.

See all the stamps here.

Electronic duo Air have composed the soundtrack to a new short film for Cartier, as in the luxury French jewellers. The promo was directed by New York company Waverley films, who have worked on videos for LCD Soundsystem, The Rapture and TV On The Radio.

Says Air’s Jean-Benoît Dunckel of the collaboration: “Cartier has strong French culture. It is something we feel very close to. There is a long and genuine history between Cartier and artistic creation, and I thought it was a very good opportunity for us to experiment with different sounding music than what we could have done for another band”.

Here it is:

Having punished ears with his collaboration with Metallica, Lou Reed is attempting to rectify the situation by adding his signature to a new line of Klipsch headphones. A variation on the company’s X10i line, the earbuds will set US audio fans back $400. That’s a whole $50 more than the standard version, but the first 50 will come with a sign Reed album, which you can probably sell on eBay for a few quid if you manage to get one.

Says Reed: “I have been a fan of Klipsch for eons. I enjoy the beauty of the unhyped bass – the clarity and depth of detail and extraordinary comfort of the headphones. These are my Klipsch. Serious headphones for the serious listener”.

Now in their tenth year of active service, Gorillaz are set to cash in on a new partnership with Converse, having collaborated with the shoe company on a range of signature sneakers. Gorillaz co-creator Jamie Hewlett has designed a range of four new prints for a collection of Converse’s Chuck Taylor All Stars shoes, all inspired by the virtual cartoon troupe’s official artwork.

With the range due to be revealed next February, both band and brand will mark the occasion with a special show at London’s 100 Club on 1 Dec. A contribution from Gorillaz to Converse’s ‘Three Artists, One Song’ project is also in the offing.

Gorillaz drummer, Russel Hobbs, ponders the band’s Converse connection: “To converse: the exchange of thoughts, feelings or ideas. That’s what Gorillaz are all about, working and collaborating and exchanging ideas with other artists and global communicators. We’ve been trading in ideas and conversing with one another for ten whole years. So I couldn’t think of a better bunch of people to help celebrate our decade in the business than the good people over at the Converse shoe company. Plus I’ve been wearing my Chuck Taylor’s since forever”.

Morrissey has given his approval for a Smiths song to be used in John Lewis’ Christmas TV ad campaign. And worst of all, they’ve chosen ‘Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want’, which doesn’t seem to be in the giving spirit of the season. That said, the tagline is apparently “John Lewis: for gifts you can’t wait to give”, so basically the whole thing makes no sense. Unless we’re all meant to buy presents for Morrissey this year, I suppose.

John Lewis’s Marketing Director Craig Inglis told The Telegraph that Morrissey was “delighted” that the retail chain wanted to use the song, saying: “It wasn’t a long and difficult road actually. It was relatively straightforward getting the rights. We approached the record company [Rough Trade] and Morrissey back in July, and they gave their approval. It is an iconic track from an iconic British band. We know our audience holds The Smiths and bands from that era in high esteem”.

Rough Trade’s Head Of Marketing Ruth Paterson told The Times: “I do like the idea of a really good song by a really good band being played in Middle England’s living rooms. I’m sure that wasn’t the song’s intended purpose, but I think that’s a good thing”.

If I want a really good song by a really good band to be played in a Middle England living room over Christmas I’ll put one on myself, thanks.

Sony Music has done a deal with the devil. Well, with the owners of the new Westfield shopping centre in East London, but as that place is hell, I’m assuming it’s managed by Satan.

So yes, the music major has announced a partnership with the shopping centre company which will see it pump music content onto digital screens around the new East London base of the Westfield empire in Stratford. Which means that shoppers will be able to enjoy video footage of Sony artists like JLS, Westlife and One Direction. Which is kind of appropriate, I mean, that does sound like the sort of TV channel they’d actually have in hell.

There’ll also be an artist of the week slot on Sony’s in-store music channel, plus regular plugs for stuff on sale in the centre’s HMV store.

Says Westfield’s Director Of Operations: “Our digital spectacular screens offer a platform for brands such as Sony Music to interact with shoppers in a unique, purchase-oriented environment, and we’re delighted to sign this partnership with Sony Music to provide our visitors with a more engaging and cutting-edge shopping experience”.

Jon Bon Jovi has applied the pay-what-you-want model to a new restaurant, which is novel. The eatery in New Jersey, named Soul Kitchen, is part of the singer’s Soul Foundation charity. The idea is that those who can afford it pay what they think is fair for the food on offer – there’s a suggested donation of $20 for a three course meal – while those who can’t can lend a hand in other ways, such as by cleaning.

And that’s the roll Bon Jovi himself has taken on, as he revealed he’s no good in the kitchen. He told The Associated Press: “Last Friday, I was at the White House, serving on the Council For Community Solutions, got on a train, changed in the bathroom and got here in time to wash dishes Friday night. I’m the dishwasher, for real. I can’t cook a lick”.

In a statement, he added: “At a time when one in five households are living at or below the poverty level, and at a time when one out of six Americans are food insecure, this is a restaurant whose time has come. This is a place based on and built on community – by and for the community”.

The restaurant sources all of its ingredients from its own garden and local suppliers.

Former Radio 1 boss Andy Parfitt has just cropped up in a new job in advertising. He is joining ad agency Saatchi & Saatchi as Executive Director Of Talent.

I’ve no idea what an Executive Director Of Talent in a marketing services company does, but this is what Parfitt said of his new job: “Saatchi & Saatchi is the most famous creative agency in the world, making some great work with a range of interesting clients. There is a talented and collaborative senior team in place and I’m really looking forward to the start of this new chapter”.

Parfitt announced his departure from the BBC back in July, him having headed up the Beeb’s pop station and other yoof ventures for twelve years, and having worked for the Corporation in general for three decades. At the time Parfitt said it was time to “pursue new opportunities”, though the fact the BBC was looking to trim back the very management-heavy hierarchy of its national radio stations may have also had a role in his decision making.