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FRIDAY 17TH SEPTEMBER

Well, the big celebrity news this week is that George Michael has been sent to prison, where he'll be spending the next four weeks.

George was locked up after pleading guilty to driving with a head full of cannabis and crashing into a branch of Snappy Snaps earlier this year, the latest in a string of similar offences. After his four weeks in jail, he'll spent another four under house arrest, as well as having to pay a £1250 fine and being banned from driving for five years.

But these are mere details. What's really important is how we're going to express this via the medium of puns. The great thing about popstars going to prison is that their song titles and lyrics can easily be turned into hilarious jokes, so that we can all laugh uproariously at the terrible situation this person has found themselves in. Especially someone with a back catalogue the size of George Michael's.

Except this is not the case with George Michael. His back catalogue is rubbish for creating puns out of. Almost as if he's done it on purpose. My first thought was something along the lines of "in the whammer", but while that does reference his time in Wham! and rhymes with slammer, it doesn't actually make any sense. Metro later used 'Whammer in the slammer' as their headline, but it's still hardly A-grade stuff, is it?

I threw the challenge down to CMU's Twitter followers. Here are some of their better attempts:

- Lock Me Up Before You Go Go
- Last Christmas (I Traded You A Pack Of Cigarettes For A Bag Of Class C Drugs)
- Don't Let Fellow Prison Inmates Go Down On Me
- (I Was Only Kidding When I Said I Was) Praying For Time
- Ladies And Gentlemen (Of The Jury)
- Freedom

See? Rubbish. Thanks Twitter, you have failed me. Though all are still better than Channel 4 News' laboured effort: "Let's go outside? Not tonight - George Michael is inside - in jail, showing no emotion in court".

Basically, I think we can all agree that it would have been far better if a different popstar had been sent to prison, one who had recorded more songs with this sort of eventuality in mind.

By the way, I understand George Michael's drug paraphernalia is quite old now. He uses bongs from the last century*.

Andy Malt
Editor, CMU

*Sorry

		GEORGE JAILED George Michael was this week sentenced to four weeks in the slammer and four more basically on house arrest for driving into a branch of Snappy Snaps in north London while all doped up on cannabis. And he didn't even have any photos to collect. Michael was also fined £1250 and banned from driving for five years. According to reports, Michael has been taunted by other inmates in prison, who have been singing altered versions of his hits (mainly 'Freedom'), and at one point he refused to come out of his cell. His lawyers were set to appeal against the jail sentence, but dropped their case earlier today.

		GAGA DOMINATES AT VMAS Lady Gaga dominated at MTV's VMAs on Sunday night, taking no less than eight of the gongs on offer. And while Taylor Swift sang a song of forgiveness to Kanye West and he rapped a sort of apology to her, it was Gaga who stole the show at the awards bash, mainly by wearing another meat outfit. The meat costume at the VMAs was more of a dress, but looked just as grim as the 'bikini' she sported on the cover of Japan's Vogue Hommes magazine recently.

		ROBBIE AND GARY REUNITE FOR HELP FOR HEROES GIG So, we've waited fifteen years for Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow to perform together again and, in the end, it turned out that all that was needed to make that happen was for 335 British soldiers to die in a pointless unwinnable war. The pair finally got round to singing together again at the Help For Heroes concert at the Twickenham Stadium on Sunday. Given they have a duet coming out and will be touring together with Take That next year, I'm not sure why everybody was quite so excitable. But it was all for a good cause.

		FESTIVAL SEASON DEFINED BY LIBERTINES REUNION SAY NME READERS According to a poll of NME readers, the Libertines reunion at Reading and Leeds was the "defining moment" of the 2010 festival season. Reading and Leeds were named Best Festival, Camden Crawl the Best Small Festival, The Libertines' 'Don't Look Back Into The Sun' the anthem of the season and The Strokes the band everyone wants to see headlining events next year. They don't half conform to their stereotype these NME readers, don't they? Next they'll be demanding an Oasis reunion next summer. Oh look, they did.

		MARILYN MANSON MOVIE SHOCKING SHOCKER 'The Phantasmagoria: The Visions Of Lewis Carroll', the Lewis Carroll-inspired film directed by Marilyn Manson, has reportedly had the plug pulled by the studio financing it because people were too shocked by its trailer. The film explores the relationship between Carroll and teenager Alice Liddell, the inspiration for his iconic Alice character. Assuming the movie being pulled rumours are true, quite how a film studio can hire Marilyn Manson to lead a project and then be surprised when the results are a bit shocking isn't entirely clear.

		BRUCE DICKINSON LANDS MARKETING JOB Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson has been named the new Marketing Director of Gatwick-based charter airline, Astraeus. I would reveal the punchline here, but that's what's really happened. Dickinson has previously worked as a pilot for the company, now he's working in marketing. A statement on the company's website reads: "With the rapid growth in the business we have increased our commercial team, Bruce Dickinson as our Marketing Director".

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The Vaselines
Formed in Glasgow in 1987 by Eugene Kelly and Frances McKee, The Vaselines released two singles and an album, 'Dum Dum', and then split up in 1989 shortly (as in a few days) after the release of the long player.

In the intervening years they gained a cult popularity, aided by Nirvana recording no less than three covers of their songs. Kelly and McKee toured together as solo artists in 2006, occasionally playing a few old songs here and there, but didn't resurrect The Vaselines until 2008, when they appeared unannounced at a charity show in Glasgow. A world tour followed later and suddenly the ball started rolling.

This week they released their second album, 'Sex With An X', via Sub Pop, of which CMU Daily said: "'Sex With An X', is, without using too many adjectives, boisterous, loud, melodious in the simplest but most effective ways".

We caught up with Frances and Eugene and asked them to put together a Powers Of Ten playlist for us. Taking it in turns to choose songs, they brought together an impressive list of artists who have influenced them over the last two decades.

THE VASELINES' TEN
01	UNPOC	Here On My Own
	Frances: I first heard if UNPOC through Julie McLarnon who engineered on the latest Vaselines record. I couldn't understand why I had never heard this amazing liberating CD before. Every track on the record is great, so it was hard to choose just one.
02	The Kinks	You Really Got Me
	Eugene: Simple, repetitive, primal. Is this were punk rock really started? They've even got a one note piano on the verse years before The Stooges. This is pretty near to perfect pop and the guitar solo is still what I aspire to.
03	The Human League	Don't You Want Me Baby
	Frances: Ha, there was something good about the 80s! Eugene and I did a duet of this in a karaoke bar in Japan. I'm afraid it was not a match for the girls and Phil.
04	Dillard And Clark	Why Not Your Baby?
	Eugene: Bliss for three minute and forty two seconds. Put this on, have a cup of tea and bathe in its beauty. This track will always lift me up when clouds appear.
05	Edwyn Collins	Leviathan
	Frances: It just so happens that my favourite book by one of my favourite authors is called 'Leviathan' as well.
06	Tim Buckley	Buzzin Fly
	Eugene: A dreamy piece of freeform folk. Simple but with enough going on to keep you interested until the last note. Tim Buckley sounded so relaxed and effortless in his delivery.
07	Patti Smith	My Blakean Year
	Frances: I remember hearing this on the radio and being blown away by it. She is a remarkable woman.
08	Fairport Convention	Come All Ye
	Eugene: More folk but re-invented for the time they were playing in. You really get the feeling that they're all in one room swinging their pants, having a great time, then having a break for pie, mash and ale. The guitar and violin are amazing and Sandy Denny's vocals are so beautiful.
09	Nico	Chelsea Girl
	Frances: I played this a lot when I was pregnant but once the child came I had no time for such luxuries. When my son was about two years old, I found it under the rubble of nappies and toys, so put it on. My son stopped what he was doing and turned to me and said he loved this song. Oh well, must have done something right!
10	Orange Juice	Blue Boy
	Eugene: Always my favourite Orange Juice track as it was the first song I heard by them. I discovered it on the turntable of my older brother's hi-fi. I gave it a spin, the drums rumbled and the guitars attacked and my life changed. Guitar solo!

Filmmaker Danny O'Connor on his new documentary about Creation Records founder Alan McGee: "[Alan] is, by his own admission, a nutjob. Every day is different, every hour is different, but he's inspiring - he's got a real lust for life and an incredible passion for music without over-analysing it. It's a rock n roll film, it's a documentary, it details heady times in British culture"

Producer Starsmith says that Cheryl Cole's next solo album will see the Girl Aloud taking her sound down a very different route: "I can't tell you the name of it, but the song I wrote has a 90s house feel. It's fun and makes you want to get up and dance on the table. They told me the type of thing they wanted and we did it, because obviously you can't have an R&B song on a techno album"

Despite being the sole original member, Billy Corgan defends his continued use of the Smashing Pumpkins name: "I'm as happy as I've been in the Smashing Pumpkins since 1996. Why isn't that important? Why are the Rolling Stones still on tour? There's only Mick Jagger, Charlie Watts and Keith Richards. What's the difference? If people wanna play and people wanna go, what does it fucking matter?"

Conor O'Brien of Mercury-nominated band Villagers says he's glad not to have won the prize, happy to let his fanbase continue to grow at a more steady rate: "The nomination was a boost and did its job. To be honest I was glad [we didn't win]. I was relieved. It's not the kind of music I want to be totally hyped up. Up til now it's been a gradual rise, which has been great"

'X-Factor' winner Leon Jackson says being dropped by his record label, Sony Music, came as something of shock: "[My album charted] higher than Oasis and only behind Kings Of Leon, Kaiser Chiefs and AC/DC. It sold 150,000 copies and went gold, but to Sony it wasn't good enough. It was a crushing moment [being dropped] especially when, to my eyes, I hadn't done anything wrong"

Michael Gira, frontman of the newly reformed Swans, whose new album 'My Father Will Guide Me Up A Rope To The Sky' is out next week, on his songwriting process: "It's like writing a long entry in the dictionary on your stomach with a razor blade while eating vanilla ice cream. Or, it could be a long process wherein I think of various ways in which to place my tongue in your ear"

		Sufjan Stevens. The new Sufjan Stevens album, 'The Age Of Adz', is out next month, but you can download two tracks from it for free right now. 'Too Much', was made available last week. Its opening drums give the impression that Trent Reznor might have been tinkering with it, before a small group of classical instruments followed by Stevens' unmistakable voice - sufjanstevens.bandcamp.com/album/the-age-of-adz

		Mixmag greatest DJ poll. Mixmag want to identify the greatest DJ of all time. They have got 35 influential dance music types, including other DJs and pundits, to nominate 35 contenders for the title of best ever deejay. Clubbing fans are then encouraged to vote for their favourite. Voting is open until 15 Dec, with the overall winner to be announced in the February edition of Mixmag. Jimmy Saville is on the list, you know - greatest.dj

		Paris Suit Yourself are hailed as the first rock band to sign to Ninja Tune's hip hop imprint Big Dada, news that will confuse the hell out of you if your first experience of them is their debut single 'Craig Machinsky'. Driven by staccato piano, with accusatory vocals delivered in a heavy French accent, if you can form any words other than 'wow' during that first listen, you're not paying proper attention - myspace.com/parissuityourself

		Seeräuber Jenny. Fran Barker is a little bit special. I recently unearthed a demo CD that reminded me of this fact. The discovery was perfectly timed, because her debut single, 'Push It Away', is set for release on 27 Sep. Newly spruced up by former Mint Royale man Neil Claxton, Barker's acoustic pop is sounding better than ever, and the song happily retains the very pleasing intonation of "I am" on the chorus - myspace.com/seerauberjennyuk

		Oberhofer. Having released a limited number of handmade EPs, Brad Oberhofer is now making a grab for the wider world with a self-released seven-inch single, 'o0Oo0Oo'. Holding to the traditions of jangly American indie, and with ramshackle production, Oberhofer shows sharp songwriting skills and the sort of charm that can launch a guy away from being simple blog fodder to something bigger - myspace.com/oberhofermusic

		Suffolk icon, Dani Filth. Cradle Of Filth frontman Dani Filth is currently topping a poll to find Suffolk's greatest icon. The musician is currently well ahead of his closest competitor, Broomhill Swimming Pool in Ipswich. No other Suffolk-linked musicians have received nominations. This means ducks, which appear twice in the top 100, are considered more important than Justin Hawkins. I also like ducks - suffolkicons.com

#35: The New Pornographers v Calvin College, Michigan
I'm sure The New Pornographers' name has caused them a few minor problems over the years. Like, maybe it was a little uncomfortable telling their grandparents the name of the band they were in. However, I reckon it's probably safe to say that this week was the first time the band had a gig cancelled because people had mistaken them for actual pornographers.

Yep, that's right, a Christian college in Michigan had to cancel a gig by The New Pornographers this week because too many people thought the educational institute was staging an event showcasing some up-and-coming filth peddlers.

To be fair to Calvin College, management there weren't the ones who were confused as to what had been booked to entertain their students - in fact they were rather complimentary about the band - but apparently enough local stakeholders expressed concern to justify canning the event. Well, at the very least, they just got bored of having to explain that The New Pornographers are a band.

A statement from the college's activities office said: "We believe that the decision to invite the band fit our rubric of engaging culture through a Christian lens. The band makes good, thoughtful music, and we invited them here based on their artistic merit. However, after weeks of discussion and consideration, the irony of the band's name was impossible to explain to many. The band's name, to some, is mistakenly associated with pornography".

And just in case there was any doubt, the college added: "Neither the college nor the band endorses pornography".

So, to make sure we're all absolutely clear...

The New Pornographers: youtu.be/_KZANuDcRO4

Actual porn: youtu.be/rBalKXCaXOM

Andy Malt Editor	Chris Cooke Business Editor & Co-Publisher	Caro Moses Co-Publisher

Paul Vig Club Tipper	Lady Gaga Costumes & Catering	George Michael Driver (suspended)

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